So I’m drinking a cup of coffee after midnight as I look at Jen in her Urgent Care bed. She’s been dry heaving all day and has fought me tooth and nail to not eat or drink anything. Today has been one of my most challenging days. I’m exhausted after last night and I saw this coming. The problem is that nothing sounds good to eat for Jen. Her appetite is so twisted from chemo and everything else that’s going on in her body that everything, aside from an occasional popsicle, sounded gross today. My dad told me that unless you’ve had chemo you can’t understand how bad food sounds…today I found that out. I couldn’t get Jen to eat or even drink water. I know I didn’t “fail” but it’s hard when I can’t get through to her.
Supposed to catch a 12:30 flight tomorrow…
Heading back to New York, disoriented and empty. With every urge to call Jen my heart breaks. At the showing I kept waiting for Jen to open her eyes and call my name. When I realized that she wasn’t going to get up I wanted to crawl into the casket just like I used to do in her hospital bed.
Each time I fall a little lower I think to myself, “maybe this is the bottom and it’s only up from here.” So far I’m still falling.
So I don’t really know where to start…the last few weeks, on top of the last few months, have been so intense. I don’t really realize this until I start to wind down at the end of the day, then things hit me. When Jen is in the hospital, things really hit hard as I am alone in our apartment. When I am with Jen, I am focused, positive and upbeat; I block out thoughts that will only slow me down. I have to do this to keep my feet near the ground.
So many great things have happened recently. My exhibition was an incredible evening that I am still buzzing over. There was so much love in that room and I came home with some momentum. I needed that. Plus, the donations enable me to take care of Jen and not think about money for a while. I cannot describe how thankful I am to everyone who has donated to our cause. We know that not everyone has a support group like we do and we are thankful every day.
That said, it is still brutal and relentless watching Jen suffer. It is so hard to sit in her hospital room without wanting to crawl into the fetal position and wail. Why Jennifer? She is so special and has touched countless lives by just being herself and she gets cancer???
The few eyelashes that Jen has remind me of her. They won’t fall out.